When I was young

When I was young the greatest concern I had in life was....well to be honest I had very few  concerns and those that I did have were insignificant compared to the concerns that surround so many young people in 2011.

Whether the white cleaner would be dry on my runners before sports day or before my next netball match concerned me but never consumed me.  I knew nothing about money or debts, about job security, about war or poverty. I was protected from issues that could cause a young person worry. I would worry when I realised Mum was cooking creamed rice for sweets as I knew I would be made to eat it and every time I tried I gagged on it. I still can't eat the dreaded stuff.

I grew up with a mother and father, my father worked and I would often visit him in his workplace and feel very proud that the Mr Ritchie was my dad. Mum would walk with us along Murray Street stopping to chat to people as we went towards Dad shop. Dad always smiled and looked pleased to see us and I would never know if he was or wasn't or if his workload was overwhelming and he didn't have time as this was another aspect of life I had no awareness of.

I grew up with three brothers and a sister. We shared bedrooms and as each of us grew our clothes were passed on to the next in line. Many of our clothes were made by mum and all our jumpers were hand knitted, some with the wool unravelled from a jumper grown out of by the one older than ourselves.

I grew up playing a lot of sport. Maybe that was a concern for me. Would we win? Would we have a fair umpire, enough oranges cut up for quarter time and someone to hand them out? When I was young I was competitive, I liked to win but more importantly I liked everyone to try their hardest. I was intolerant to those who messed about on any court or in any game. My white line fever existed and I was aware of it but it was only to be your best, it mattered not to me if we lost as long as the game was played well and fair.

I had no concerns about school and whether my teachers liked me or whether I could do the work. Most of it in retrospect came easily to me except Maths in secondary school but as I neither understood nor knew the relevance of it the lack of success in this area did not concern me.

I loved my books and I loved to read. Not having a room of my own and space to read was an annoyance but that is all.

Clothes kept us warm on the cold frosty mornings in Colac, they weren't fashion statements and as far as I can remember it did not matter what you wore, if you liked it that was okay.

I always assumed I would have a roof over my head and that when I grew up I would have a job. I knew back then I would be a teacher but of course had no idea it meant finishing sixth form and going to college.

I loved the beach and as you can see from the photo had no qualms about looking silly in sunnies and a hat. Each Xmas Santa brought me new bathers and sometimes a towel. For several years we camped at Portarlington and then later at Lorne. We made friends that we caught up with each year. Steven was my friend with the boat and I had a wonderful time out in the water with his family. Between summers we sent our friends letters telling them about school and any books we had read. We never worried or were concerned about how our holidays were paid for, we had no knowledge of those aspects of life.

Certainly when we were young life was carefree, in the sense as children we were shielded from information that may distress us. The media barely reported world news and like all families the TV was off as we sat down for dinner back when I was young so we didn't see the tragedy of the world.

The onslaught of information children are exposed to in 2011 is staggering. I watch my grandson and listen to his concerns. Tomorrow he will spend the day with his "papa" because his own father has passed away. He was torn when I dropped him off wanting to be with me and his Auntie Meme because we are the closest people to Daddy. I talked to him about how special it was for Papa to share the day with him but his needs overshadow the joy that Papa would feel.

As we prepared to leave he hung his head with such sadness and confusion, usually he would stay another night but as it was fathers day he was going home early. I could see his sadness and thought how lucky I had been when I was eight that my dad was always there. I thought of my three children and how much they missed all their lives without a father. Tonight Jaime and I spoke about Fathers Day in the past and how we went to Mum and Dads and that no one ever talked to them about the sadness of not having their own father as they sat amongst all the other children surrounded by their fathers. She added that her loss in life had been immense, losing a father she was attached to at the hip and then her brother, two major losses, half her family. We talked about how vital it is that we keep Kristopher alive for Taylor as we know that it rests with us to do that. 

Fathers Day adds a trigger to her bipolar. She has no father to adore her and her nephew has no father to spoil. She has no older brother to hold her up as she faces the day without her dad. In my childhood death and mental health issues did not impact on our lives. As the night draws on I reflect on what is day to day living for us, no father, no brother, bipolar, complexities we must face every moment of every day. Permanency that wont change, can't be changed but can only be managed. I cannot dwell too long on losing a husband, a son, my mother and my brother.  Each dying in ways we couldn't prepare for from the childhood we grew up in as these issues were rarely discussed nor were we aware of them. Terry was electrocuted, who can prepare for that? My mother a stroke, my brother melanoma and Kris a drug overdose. Each one on their own is difficult to reconcile let alone to face all of them. The ones we need to help us deal with a death are they themselves dead. Bruce would not have ignored the anniversary of Kris's death, he would have made constant contact to check how I was and how the kids were. He did this when Terry died and we did it with each other when Lois died, constantly.

When I was young I did have a curiosity about what existed outside of me, who I was in the greater scheme of life, I understood I was constructing myself with each skill and ability I developed and I realise that I was a little different than others at times because I wanted to know the details of how life came to be. This has given me a belief system that has stood me in good stead to survive such ugliness and pain in my life, to see the beauty of my children and grandson and the world I hope one day they can live in. Our hurt that close family have not asked how we are doing or included us in aspects of their life has reinforced for us the need to stay close to each other and accept that only we can know the loss and only we can feel the real pain and the real missing. Superficial attachments cause further distress and pain and remind me of a comment I heard once that when it all comes down to it the only person we can truly rely on is ourselves. 

My focus is to ensure Tezz, Jaime and Taylor acquire this ability, to have a deep love for their own being and a deep respect for who they are and what they have achieved coupled with a love and enjoyment of life and people they choose to spend life with. Finding a passion regardless of bipolar and remaining brilliant at what you do will get you through these rough patches and disappointments. Keeping your eye on the choices you have in life and the freedom that comes with choice allows you to embrace those you love without an attachment to the ones you once thought you needed.

The learning has been immense these past months, we have had a rollercoaster ride and a realisation that we placed our hope and belief in the wrong hands. I feel empowered spiritually and personally and as Deepak Chopra says" even in the midst of chaos, conflict and confusion, I find a place of inner peace" 

I am grateful for the life I have and have had as a child when I was young. I am grateful for who I am and what I have. Despite the chaos the laughs and friendships outweigh the disappointments.

When I was young.........